Challenge of letting go

I am finding it really challenging to stay in the place of "letting go". A few weeks ago, I wrote about letting go of my connection to a weekend event for gay men that I've attended for several years (Click here to read "Letting Go").

I keep finding myself wishing I hadn't decided to let go of it. I wrote at the end if the universe wants me to go, it would find a way... so I find myself hoping that will happen. And then I get angry because having hope to go is not letting go of it.

I've even thought that if twenty men who are going - would tell me they know or believe that I am not the trouble maker who caused last year's problems... then I'd feel safe to go. Followed by anger because I actually think it's too much to ask for 20 men to support me. And then I change the number to fifteen or a dozen or ten or five. I know of five for sure... but 20 is stretching it.

Universe, please help me let go... the sooner the better. Alternately, Universe, if you do want me to go... I'm open to that possibility too. It's in your hands, Universe. I know if I try to force it in any direction, it will be a big mess.