Most people don't know

Recently, a friend of my partner visited. Apparently, they met in the 80s. Well, something dawned on me. Most of the people I have contact with have only known me for 6 years or less. Even my partner... we met less than 7 years ago. I am in touch via e-mail with my sister. She is the only person I have contact with who has known me the longest.

I'm 42. So, nobody in my daily-weekly-monthly life... has any idea of what I am truly capable of because they only know what they've seen for the last 6 years or less. They don't know about the first 36 years to know the capacity of my strength and my resiliency.

They didn't see me stand up for gay rights, on my own. Like when the City of Milwaukee failed to include gays and lesbians in an Employee Cultural Diversity Celebration. Or when a tenured professor ordered me to not call myself gay in his class. Or when I came out for the first time.

They didn't know me when my mother died and I was balancing a full load of graduate school classes, a 20 hour a week internship, a 12 hour part time job, several weekends a month working out my mother's estate... on top of grieving my loss.

They don't know how I almost always performed higher than expected within 6 months of employment resulting in promotions, raises, or some other reward if those weren't options (like a 2 hour lunch with my boss at a fancy restaurant or a day off with pay).

They see I'm quiet. So I must not be assertive. They witness how I express emotions. So I must be too sensitive. They know I don't have a job. So I must not be competitive or a go-getter. They don't see me sell my art... so I must be afraid of risk. I don't do things that other people do... so I must not be normal. I have had Post-Traumatic Stress, so I must be fragile and prone to meltdowns, breakdowns, and setbacks. This is what they see, and my judgments of what they think ... based on their behavior, responses, treatment regarding me.

I've been looking back on my life to help me boost my self-esteem. There's way more evidence I am strong and resilient when I look at my whole 42 years rather than what they have experienced in the last six or less.